


Sunset

by baekhyun (zhengting)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, its really nothing graphic but just in case, t/w in author's note at the end in order to not spoil anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 20:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15759186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhengting/pseuds/baekhyun
Summary: after the sunset comes a new day





	Sunset

“Do you want me to go with you?” The question is accompanied by a squeeze on his hand so light that Kyungsoo almost misses it. He doesn’t, though, and peers up at the tall, tanned boy standing next to him through his bangs. There was something familiar in the boy’s eyes that Kyungsoo can’t quite make out.

“Thanks, Jonginnie, but I’ll go by myself,” Kyungsoo feels a small smile lifting his lips as he squeezes back. The spring wind messes up his hair and he thinks, that maybe, just maybe, that he’ll be ready soon.

“I’ll wait for you,” Jongin replies ever-so-softly with an almost invisible bittersweet smile, letting Kyungsoo go one more time.

 

Clutching the cup of smoothie tight in his hand, Kyungsoo takes the first step. And then the second. And then a third, fourth, fifth, following the winding path that will lead him to his destination. Wild flowers bloom in the golden May sun along the sides of the trail, and Kyungsoo thinks that they are so, so beautiful, but he knows that they are just as fragile. A wistful smile tugs at his lips as he walks on.

The unpaved road comes to a stop, and Kyungsoo closes his eyes as he takes the last few steps. He knows what was waiting for him, because he has done this many times before, so many more times than he would’ve liked. A deep breath later he opens his eyes and it’s there, and he feels something akin to a sigh of relief brush past his lips as he scanned the familiar words that are engraved into the smooth surface of the stone:

_ Byun Baekhyun, 1992-2010. _

 

He gently sets down the smoothie onto the grass before his emotions can tip it over. After hesitating for a split second, Kyungsoo seats himself down onto the grass next to the smoothie. He has visited the grave so many times, but this time, it’s different. It’s something Kyungsoo has never done before, something he hadn’t imagined doing. But he has been braver these past few months with Jongin by his side, stronger than before, when he was but a broken teenager with a broken heart who hated the world for its unfairness.

Kyungsoo lets his eyes wander over the surrounding skies and the trees, the colorful flowers and the grass before settling his gaze on the carvings one more time.  _ Byun Baekhyun, 1992-2010.  _ Under that, in an almost childish font, _ Smoothies are my life _ . The corners of Kyungsoo’s lips lift unconsciously as he reads the second sentence again and again. “You just always have to make me smile, don’t you, Byun Baekhyun? You’re such a jerk, you know that? Even when you were hurting. You just had to hide it from me. If you told me, I  _ could’ve done something _ .” His voice cracks at the last sentence, his hands clenching unconsciously as the painful memories flood his brain once more.

 

_ It was well into junior year when Kyungsoo noticed something different about Baekhyun. To everyone else, he was still Byun Baekhyun, class clown, baseball player, and golden-voiced singer. To Kyungsoo, he was still Byun Baekhyun, class clown, baseball player, golden-voiced singer, and annoying boyfriend. But something seemed… off. Foreign. Alien, even. His eyes sparkled less when he smiled, his laugh always with a touch of forcefulness. His movements lacked the grace that Kyungsoo had always envied, his beautiful smile replaced by a bleak expression whenever he thought no one was looking. _

_ It seemed that no one else had noticed - not even Baekhyun’s best friend, Park Chanyeol. Instead, Chanyeol had told Kyungsoo that he worried too much. After all, everyone had occasional mood swings, right? Somewhat satisfied with that explanation, Kyungsoo went through the rest of the school year rather carefree and set off for summer break with a see-you-next-year kiss for Baekhyun. _

_ Time flies when you are having fun. Summer vacation flew by faster than most of them would’ve liked, and they became seniors. Baekhyun was no longer himself, but Kyungsoo blamed it on the pressure from final year - hardly anyone was themselves. Even Chanyeol wasn’t loud and obnoxious anymore, instead studying like there was no tomorrow. And that actually said a lot. All the seniors were buried in all the new concepts and new ideas, and the atmosphere was filled with the stress of getting into the decent colleges. They barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone socialize, and that was why Kyungsoo found himself somewhat ok with it when Baekhyun lost ten pounds in a single month. _

_ As snow fell and melted, as flowers budded and blossomed, spring approached fast and took everyone by surprise. Finals came and went, taking away the pressure in the air and off their shoulders, taking away the frowns in exchange for smiles for everyone. Everyone but Baekhyun. Kyungsoo had no more excuses for Baekhyun’s emotionless eyes, no more excuses for his blank face expressions, and no more excuses for Baekhyun wearing long-sleeved shirts on 90-degree days. _

Baby, tell me what’s wrong, _ Kyungsoo had pleaded one day as Baekhyun woke up after fainting in the hallway. Baekhyun’s smile was too bright as he replied ‘nothing’ in a disgustingly cheerful tone that suggested that the conversation would go nowhere. So Kyungsoo fell silent, and later that night he felt the unmistakable drip of tears into his hair as he lay awake but pliant in his boyfriend’s arms, thoughts racing in his head. Carefully, after Kyungsoo made sure that Baekhyun was asleep, he rolled up the sleeves that shielded his boyfriend’s wrists and forearms from the rest of the world. The white lines that ran the length of Baekhyun’s forearms were almost artistic and Kyungsoo cried himself to sleep. _

_ April dragged by sluggishly as Baekhyun slowly but steadily got better. He started to wear short sleeves again, the scars so faint they could barely be seen. His smiles and laughs were back, even though they still didn’t reach his eyes. Kyungsoo was more than happy as more of old Baekhyun started to come back. But after a while Kyungsoo realized that it still wasn’t quite old Baekhyun. The new Baekhyun was so careful to Kyungsoo, showering him with gentle kisses and sweet hugs, offering to carry his things for him whenever they looked heavy. Baekhyun treated Kyungsoo like he was a porcelain doll, like he could break any moment if Baekhyun didn’t baby him. While enjoying this newfound gentleness, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong again. _

 

Tears threaten to fall as Kyungsoo pushes himself through the last memories of Baekhyun he will ever have.

My dearest Kyungsoo,  _ the letter had began with. _

I assume you’ve found out by now.  _ Yes, he had. Baekhyun had been absent for three days straight before they discovered his body under an old, abandoned highway next to a gun, with a bullet through the back of his head. He also found out that Baekhyun had written letters to his parents – forgiving them – to his friends – apologising – and to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo read on. _

But know that in our universe, the earth can still exist without the sun, even if it is hard at first.  _ Kyungsoo remembered when he’d told Baekhyun that he was like the sun to Kyungsoo’s earth. Baekhyun’s smile shined so bright it blinded Kyungsoo’s heart and Kyungsoo had never been more in love with Baekhyun than he was in that moment. The memory brought a smile onto Kyungsoo’s quivering lips. He will not cry. _

The past two years have been the best years of my life. I remember when you said yes to me, that moment of pure ecstasy but also fear - what if I wasn’t good enough for you? No, I knew I wasn’t good enough for you. I was - am - a nobody, with average grades and alcoholic parents that never did and never will accept me being gay. But you wiped out each and every one of these insecurities everytime you smile at me like I’m the only one you need, and instead replacing them with wonders - how could someone so perfect be mine? Sometimes I have to pinch myself (or your cheeks) to make sure that this was, is reality, not just another trick my overactive imagination is playing on me. 

I have hopelessly hoped for the past three days that the way I treated you for the past month will be enough to make it up for you, even though I know that nothing will ever be enough. I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo. I really am. You don’t deserve someone like me, a messed up person with a messed up family, and I didn’t deserve you. _ Tears threatened to spill as Kyungsoo tried to blink them away. Stupid, stupid Byun Baekhyun and his stupid self putdowns. There was nothing better than Byun Baekhyun in Kyungsoo’s entire world.  _

But since I’m as selfish as I am, do me one last favor, my yeobo. Think of it as my dying wish, if you will. You are the strongest and the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. Stay strong for me, if not for the person you’ll spend your life with later on. Don’t dwell on the thought of me for too long, since I will be nothing more than a mere memory. But please, don’t forget me. If you need someone to talk to, just come talk to me. I’ll always be listening, even if I can’t respond. And, even though I’ve never seen you cry, I’m sure that you’re beautiful even when you cry. Stay beautiful, but don’t cry, ok?

Thank you, I’m sorry, Forgive me, I love you. _ That was it. The end. Kyungsoo looked up with tears balancing on his eyelashes. The calendar sat pretty on the desk as the date read May 6. Baekhyun’s birthday. _

 

Kyungsoo comes back into reality when he feels tears dampening his hand. He’s never done this before, going through the memories from Baekhyun’s last year completely, facing the facts completely, the facts that he never has and never will want to believe. Something feels lighter as he stands up and dusts off the seat of his pants, and he wonders why he hasn’t done it earlier. But he knows that maybe, it was just time and fate and the piece of his heart that still belongs to Baekhyun, the part that has always been telling him to never let go. Until now.

“I really miss you, Baek,” Kyungsoo starts softly, once he’s swallowed past the lump in his throat. “But I think… I think it’s time for me to move on. You wanted me to, right? I’m sorry I took so long to let go. It’s still hard sometimes, when I wake up and you’re not next to me or when I want to call you but only to remember that your number has been deactivated. I know that we will live our very own happily ever after in our next lives, but this life took you away from me.” Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he is trying to make himself feel better or just voicing his thoughts. But he supposes that it doesn’t really matter that much. So he continues before he loses control. “I’ll always be thinking about you, Baekkie. I love you, forever and always. Happy twenty-third birthday.”

Kyungsoo looks back one last time at the blurred sight of Baekhyun’s grave before he heads back out to the car, to Jongin, who pulls Kyungsoo into a tight hug and lets him cry on his shoulder while rubbing gentle circles on his back. After what seems like forever, Kyungsoo pulls back slightly and looks up at Jongin. Waterfall of tears that still ran down his cheeks but with one look into Kyungsoo’s eyes and Jongin  _ knew _ .

“Are you ready?” there’s that something in Jongin’s eyes again, that  _ thing _ that Kyungsoo doesn’t quite know what to make of. But then it hits him. It’s hope. The same look Baekhyun had when Kyungsoo said  _ yes _ to him. And then Kyungsoo realizes that, Jongin isn’t just asking about leaving the cemetery. Jongin is asking about leaving the past behind, creating a new beginning, and forever, maybe, and Kyungsoo reaches up to brush his lips lightly against the other boy’s as he finally, finally lets go.

“ _ Yes. _ ”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> t/w: mentioned suicide, semi-major character death
> 
> this was the first fanfic I wrote, and I believe I started writing it in August of 2015 and finished it in June of 2016 because I procrastinated A LOT. anyways as I went back and read it I cringed very hard at my kboo tendencies back then and I itched to fix some things but I decided to just leave it the way it was lol
> 
> also now looking back at this fic and my other old fics it really shows how much my writing skills went downhills after not writing for so long :')
> 
> anyways thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed it :'))


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